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Mail about Snails – Whacking the little suckers into the next universe

Mail about Snails - Whacking the little suckers into the next universe 7

Dear Editor,

Yes, it’s me yet again; Concerned Citizen.  Concerned as ever, and increasingly disillusioned with thieving oil companies, pill-pushing quacks, and the world in general.  Now where was I?  I’m getting old and easily confused.  Now I remember what set me off.

It’s an article I read on your website.  (I don’t have a life, and don’t get out much).  You tell me that a German physician invented (or rather codified) homeopathy, one Dr Samuel Hahnemann.  Now being a literary type, the name “Hahnemann” conjured up the old Sidchrome spanner ad.  Where on earth is this leading, I hear someone ask?  Well, it’s the article on slugs and snails on the website.

The old Sidchrome Spanner add, (spoken in a broad Scottish brogue), went like this:  Ya canna hand a man a granda spanner – than a Sidchrome!   Well my yard is infested with snails, slugs and unwanted callers, and I need something to bash the little creeps with.  Ya canna Hahnermann a better spanner – than a Helix tosta.  Word association, you see.  So a goodly dose of Helix tosta will, (allegedly), wack the little creeping suckers into the next universe!

I need such a tool, urgently.  The vegies are disappearing quicker than a politician during question time.

Now according to your article, the Helix tosta remedy is harmless to people and wildlife.  Forget the people, it’s the furry little critters I want to protect.  I don’t want fluffy the cat growing a second head, or Bill the dog glowing in the dark!

Now, I’ve read the instructions for brewing a batch of the stuff, and the idea of boiling them alive appeals to my twisted sense of justice.  It’s want I want to do with graffiti  “artists.”  But my youngest daughter, stranger than strange, loves all God’s creatures, including the slugs and bugs.  I told her about the great plague and the role rats played in the disaster.  I think I may have won her over, but best not to tempt things too early by boiling bugs alive in the kitchen. I may undo all my good work.

I see that I can order some of the stuff on your website.  OK, you lot.  You’re on!  This concerned citizen is going to do something radical.  I’m going to put you to the test and buy some it and see what’s wot.  If it works, you may have a convert.  If not, a pox on your house (homeopathic pox, of course).

Signed:  Concerned Citizen


Concerned Citizen has been so prolific with the his letters that we were more than happy to send him a complimentary vial of Helix tosta.

All we have asked is that he fill out the survey that will soon be sent to all who took part in the Helix tosta experiment.

We’ll keep you posted as results come in.

Kate Sheffield

Newsletter Coordinater

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